Veering Off Course

Photo by revac film's&photography from Pexels

There's something about the season changing that reminds me that anything is possible. It doesn't matter if it's spring to summer or fall to winter, the change in temperature and the change in nature makes a smile creep up on my lips and I can't help grinning at the world around me. 

I have a tendency to get stagnant. I abuse my go-to activities. I work, I read, I watch Youtube, and other than a few days out of the week that I spend with my boyfriend or family, there is little variation in my daily activities. 

It's like my brain was made to dig ruts.

I have a difficult time refreshing my mind and truly relaxing, and I think a lot of it has to do with the environment I create for myself. I don't change things up often enough, but when I do (or when I'm forced to notice the changes around me due to the seasons shifting), I feel so incredibly light. The weighty feelings seem to wash away as the sunlight moves over them at a new angle. 

Lately, I've found myself longing for this summer to end. Where I live, the cool air is just beginning to settle in. I feel as if it's drug on too long even though I'm used to drawn out summers and used to enjoy them quite a bit. At the beginning of May, I was so quick to say, "I have a whole summer in front of me. Look at the possibilities!" Even if I had to make the opportunities for myself, I was going to experience something new and experience it fully. 

Somewhere between the unopened job applications and the rejection letters, though, I got bogged down. I've always hated the feeling of falling behind, of knowing that my peers were doing exactly what I wanted to do and that they may even be taking it for granted. It's been a frustrating summer, and although I know exactly why I made the decision to veer off the course I was on, I feel very, very lost at times. You can hold the map and know where the main road is, but still have no idea how to get out of the uncharted swamps. 

If my life has been marked by anything, it has been the fact that I've had to do nearly everything on my own. For many of my expeditions, I have had no one to go before me and show me the way. Sometimes I consider it a blessing, sometimes a curse. I was a first generation college graduate. I learned about financial aid and navigated two different college campuses alone. I started grad school completely on my own in the midst of settling into my first apartment which I studied the lease for and signed for on my own. These aren't uncommon things to do, but I've often envied the support I see my peers receiving when I'm just trying to get my feet out of the mud and keep moving. 

I am longing for the new sensations of fall. I'm ready to tread the sea of leaves and finally slip a jacket over my shoulders. I'm ready to appreciate the new. I'm ready to usher in the change. This is an entirely new feeling for me. I will be present for it. And this may be the autumn where everything changes in my life. You never know.